


Too Much, Not Enough

by PaperGhost



Category: Carry On - Rainbow Rowell
Genre: Angst, Fluff, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Oneshot
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-03-01
Updated: 2016-03-01
Packaged: 2018-05-24 02:33:18
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,476
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6138346
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/PaperGhost/pseuds/PaperGhost
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>A oneshot about Simon and Baz coming to terms with their flaws and short-comings.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Too Much, Not Enough

****

**Simon**

  
There was never enough of me to go around. It seemed like there was always someone needing something from me. Everything was full of holes, and not just the insidious kind. It was the kind made up of worries and wars, and people looking to me to make it all right. Or people looking to me to see me fall, so that my death could bring them back to power.

Everyone thought I was full. Full of magic. Full of life. Full up with every hope and wish they had. They couldn’t see how truly empty I was. Maybe that’s why my emptiness came to life. Maybe he just wanted them to see it. Maybe he just wanted _me_ to see it. He wanted to show me how empty I really was, because I could never admit it to myself.  
_That I wasn’t the Chosen One.  
That I wasn’t enough…_

 

 

 ****

 **Baz**

  
I almost always feel empty. Soulless. Lifeless. I drink and drink and it never quite fills me up. I could drain every living thing in the world and it wouldn’t be enough. Isn’t it just laughable how you got stuck with me! The Drainer of Magic, and a Drainer of Blood.  
Do you ever regret it? When you wake in terror from one of your nightmares, is it ever because of me? 

What can I possibly give to you that it would make up for how much I take? Whatever I give never feels like enough. I could never give you as much as you deserve.

 

 

 ****

 **Simon**

  
I’m too much, too much. I’m so loud all the time. I don’t think it ever quite hit me before exactly how loud I am. And I can’t keep my mouth shut even when nothing intelligent ever comes out. I don’t know how Baz can even stand listening to me.

I have too much time to think now, since I lost the magic… Ever since I lost my future. But I can’t just get by not thinking about anything anymore, and it’s driving me insane. The thoughts all rattle and grate in my head. I don’t know how Baz and Penny can stand it!  
I never used to have to think, back when everyone just saw me as the Chosen one. I was just a tool to them. Expecting nothing of me other than to do what I was told even if it meant the end of me. And it _would_ have meant the end of me.

I’m too much. I’m more Freak than Boy. All clumsy wings and tail, knocking and tripping people. Last week I frightened all bloody hell out of Baz. I was having a nightmare about the Insidious Humdrum… about me. 

_I was at Watford all over again, only standing on the dais of the White Chapel with all of the students in front of me. Baz was right up at the front of the crowd. So was Penny. They both looked glazed and grey, everyone did, and they were just watching me with their empty eyes._

_“ **Simon says-** ” I was saying, “ **-hop on one foot.** ” And they all did, everyone in the room. All mechanical and perfectly in sync with each other._

_“ **Simon says, sing the Watford anthem.** ” And they all do, dumbstruck by my magic. Still jumping, only now they were jumping in time to the song that was falling dead from their lips._

_“ **Present arms.** ” I command. And they do. They all pull out their wands and magical artifacts. None of them disobey me, and I laugh because it means I’ve won the game. I hadn't said 'Simon says' that time._

I always win. 

_“ **The End.** ” I say, because it’s over, and I’ve won, and I laugh again as they aim spells at themselves and with a blast they all fall down._

I woke up with a start and my wings flew open, knocking Baz clear out of our bed. He scrambled around in the dark, until he gets his hand on his wand and manages to get out a, “ **You are my sunshine** ,” that fills the room with light. I don't think it is supposed to be so literal, but the light actually comes from _me_ when he uses that spell. My skin glows like I'm bloody Tinkerbell for a good ten minutes before fading out. I don’t know how he even says it legibly because he’s all teeth and wild eyes. It takes him a minute to wake up enough to realize there’s no danger, and another full hour to calm me down enough to lull me back to sleep.  
I’m too much.

 

 

 ****

 **Baz**

  
I still do not quite believe that we’re really real. That we really ended up together, and not dead from the battles so long ago. Maybe you left me in that fire in the woods and I truly am 100-fucking-percent dead, and I’m just living out some delusional afterlife. That would almost make more sense than the probability of our entire adventure happening in real life, although I never expected to end up in heaven.

If this is my heaven though, then what is it to you? Could it be that, if we’re both really dead, that this is your hell? You used to hate me. You have every reason to _still_ hate me. I’m a vampire, a monster, and you are the light.  
There’s so much wrong about me. There’s too much. I’m too much…

 

 

 ****

 **Simon**

  
I need you, I crave you. I didn't realize it until after that first night, and the feeling has only gotten stronger the more I am with you. I don’t think I ever really understood what having a family was like before, until I started waking up in your arms. But now that I know what it’s like, I’m homesick for you every second we have to be apart. I have to resist the urge to fly after you wherever you go, like some lovestruck guardian angel. 

I just make sure I kiss you deeper to make up for it, and I hug you a little harder. I have so much of you and it's not nearly enough!

 

 

 ****

 **Baz**

  
The nights and days pass one by one, and still I need more. Infinity would be too short to spend with you. I can never get enough of you… The taste of your lips, the smell of your skin. I keep a meticulous count of every one of your freckles and moles. I swear, one day I will kiss every single one.  
I almost pinch myself sometimes, just to see if I’m awake, but I can’t make myself do it. And then you hug me tighter in your sleep, and your tail twists around my ankle, and I know I’m awake.

 

 

 ****

 **Simon**

  
You’re just too much! And every bit of you is mine. I’ll never admit as much out loud, but the only reason I still keep leaving the window open at night even though you hate the light is because I love how you curl closer against me whenever a chilly breeze blows in. 

You’re so fucking majestic all the time, even squinting and blinking against the stray sunbeams that hit your face. Don’t worry, love, I’ll block out the sun for you when I give you a kiss. On your forehead first, for your mum, just like I do every morning. And then one for me, on your lips. You always grunt and keep your lips tight because you are hungry from the night and your fangs peek out. I kiss the downturned corners of your mouth next too, and once on your nose. 

I have to wait until you've fed, and brushed your teeth before you give me a well and proper kiss, but it’s worth the wait. I would wait forever for you, my rosebud Basil. And when you finally come in, hunger sated, and face all blushy from your new blood… It almost feels like I am about to go off again. But it's not about losing control, like how my magic used to feel.  
My magic was nothing compared to how much my love for you fills me up now! 

 

 

 ****

 **Baz**

  
You’re the sun and stars to me, Simon. And who would have thought that a vampire could love the sun so much. You have a way of shining all of your light on me, like I’m performing on a stage just for you. It’s energizing.  
The Humdrum never stood a chance against you, my hero, my chosen… He was Icarus, burned out by the sun.

Even if my soul might be gone, it doesn’t matter. There’s no room for it inside of me anymore, because every inch of me is bursting with my love for you. Nothing else in the world will ever equal to how much you mean to me. 

 

 


End file.
